Thursday, June 7, 2012

Impossible Q's

In the moment after our pediatrician said "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it does appear that he has Trisomy 21", the first question out of my mouth was "what does that mean?"  Then I asked, "is it something I did?"  Next came "how are we going to do this?"

They told me: it meant that my baby had an extra chromosome, no it was most certainly not something I did, and all we needed to do for now was love him to pieces.

We learn early to ask questions, it's how we get what we want and learn what we need to know.  Who?  What?  Why?  When?  Where?  How?  We've asked, and have been asked, so many questions since Sam was born, and some of these questions are almost impossible to answer.

The tough questions our daughters have asked us...
Dad, do you have Down syndrome? When will I get Down syndrome?  How did Sam get Down syndrome?  When will it go away?  Will Sam go to school with us?  Can Sam play basketball when he grows up?  Will Sam be able to ride bike with us, and drive 4-wheeler with us?  Is Sam sick mommy?  How long will Sam live?  Will Sam get married when he grows up?  Will Sam be a daddy someday?  Could he get any cuter?  Why do people say Sam is special?  Am I special too?

The tough questions that friends and family have asked us...
How are you guys doing?  Did you know before Sam was born?  Do you wish you would have known so you could prepare yourselves?  How are you holding up?  How is Kevin dealing with it?  How do the girls do with all of this?  How do you do it?  How are you dealing with the stress?  Why are you sad?  What are you doing to help his development?  What can I do?  Is there anything you need?

The tough questions we ask ourselves...
Is this really happening?  Why am I feeling sad?  What am I going to do?  How am I going to do all of this?  Will it be enough?  Will I be patient enough?  How can I be an advocate for Sam?  How can I protect him from all these medical scares we hear about?  Why did this happen to our family?  When will it hurt less?  When will I stop crying altogether?  Will the guilt of feeling sad ever go away?  What can I do in Sam's life and with Sam's life to better this world?  Will Sam always know how much we treasure him?

The tough questions we ask God... (pardon my language, but this is an actual conversation I had with God earlier this week)  What the hell were you thinking?  What made you think that I had the strength to handle this?  Why on your green earth did you do this to Sam and to our family?

The questions we should be asking God (the questions I strive to have the courage to ask after I've questioned God at all)...
Will you give us the strength and courage always to give Sam the best care possible?  Will you be here for us during the scary times?  Will you smile with us when he succeeds?  Will you give Sam dreams for a life filled with love, adventure, excitement and accomplishment?  Are you sure you chose the right family for this precious boy?  Will you forgive me for questioning you?

I'm preparing myself for a lifetime of questions.  With each new stage of Sam's life, there will be questions about what to expect, what to do, how to handle life with Down syndrome and so on.  I know that I need to stop questioning certain things, and begin trusting that the answers will find their way into our hearts and we'll just know exactly what to do to give Sam the best of everything.

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