Saturday, April 14, 2012
Sam is two weeks old. In these past two weeks, I don't think a day has passed where the tears didn't sneak up on me. It's hard to explain the emotions to someone who hasn't been in these shoes....I'm sure some are asking why I would be so sad. I have a beautiful baby boy, what am I crying over?
Tears come in all shapes and sizes, and they flow for all sorts of reasons.
When Sam was born, Kevin and I shed tears of complete joy - our SON was finally here and in our arms!! Our happiness was so great the tears flowed freely and fearlessly.
Then came the tears of shock...our child had Down's Syndrome. These tears flowed steadily for hours on end.
When the tears of shock slowed to a trickle, the tears of fear burst forth in a whole new wave of emotions. With these tears, came hundreds of questions for the nurses and doctors - some questions could be answered, some won't be answered for a while yet. Fear gripped us so tightly that we could hardly see.
With answers to some of our questions and a little knowledge under our belt,...then came the tears of pity. Yes, we spent time feeling sorry for ourselves. We were sorry and worried about the obstacles we as parents would face. But soon, we realized we had no reason to pity ourselves, so we pitied our son.
These tears were just sad tears. But he was so beautiful, they didn't last long.
Then came the angry tears...after we brought Sam home, I had a lot of time on my hands to sit here and think. The more I thought, the more I cried...the more I cried the more angry I became. I was angry with God. Why did He do this - why did He choose this path for our family? "DAMN IT!!" I would yell...Kevin yelled with me, and we'd cry some more.
But soon we realized there was no reason to be angry with God - He chose this path for us, Sam IS a huge blessing to our family. Kevin even said "to be angry with God, is to say that this is all a mistake." Sam is no mistake...he was wanted and prayed for, and he is here.
But still the tears flow.
Today, two weeks after Sam was born....tears of happiness welled in my eyes and flowed. I was sitting on the couch with him, and all three of his big sisters were on the floor playing with an antique Hungry Hippo game they dug out of the attic. They were laughing and shrieking with delight - making so much happy noise I could hardly hear myself think. I glanced at Sam and he looked into my eyes and he seemed to be asking "really!?!?" I looked back at him, and said "really." And oh how I smiled.